This is a question I hear rather often, and I heard it again recently from a concerned parent. Make no mistake, our culture rejects church going. Instead of church on Sunday, kids are drawn to sports practices and high-stake league games, birthday parties, video game marathons, and Super Bowl parties. Sunday is now a day to sleep in (because Saturday might as well be a work day), and workaholics like to use their “free Sundays” to head into the office in order to catch up on those extra hours they need to run the rat race with yet more effort than their usual 40+ hour work week. Pointing out that not a single one of these Sunday distractions should replace an opportunity to receive the Holy Eucharist, one receives the “poor schmuck – he just doesn’t know that I MUST do these super important Sunday activities for the sake of the all-important FILL IN THE BLANK achievement” look. Now I’m on the soapbox….
First of all, we Christians really should “TAKE BACK SUNDAY FOR GOD”. If I were to do a bumper sticker, that is what it would say. What if we told the world that it could not claim the Lord’s Day? What if we told the schools and extra-curricular coaches that we don’t care about “open gym Sundays”, “dance try-outs”, “power-lifting”, or “select soccer practices”? Let’s go back to what the Bible says about honoring the Sabbath, considering that this directive is included in the same list of commandments as “Thou shalt not murder” (fun fact: honoring the Sabbath is listed BEFORE the prohibition about murder).
How can we possibly explain to our children that church is not only important, but it is soul-saving, when we cannot even do without fun and games on the Lord’s Day ourselves? Everything that is not already in the Kingdom of Heaven is already going to hell. Think about the people tempting you to miss church. Are they seeking the Kingdom? If we Orthodox adults are completely faithful, committed, and doing what we should as Orthodox Christians, then our kids should have zero problem rejecting Sunday activities, because we would never sign them up for these things in the first place.
Back to our question: “How do you explain to a child the reasons why it is important to go to church?”
Here are my thoughts:
- Get up and be on time to church yourself. Do not accept the whines and cries of your bed-hugging child and (you do this everyday for school) prioritize being on time for church the same way you prioritize being on time for school or catching the school bus. If this means you take your screaming kid to church in pajamas, so be it. Eventually, your child will realize that you mean business, and he or she is going to church looking like a real person or not.
- Children live in the now and in the flesh. They understand two things: food and fun. Use these things to your advantage. Young children do not care that “church is good for them” since they’re only thinking about “what’s for breakfast?” In fact, using a reward for good behavior is very effective. Saying things like “after church we can have lunch at (insert favorite restaurant)” or “we can get donuts if you are good!” can do wonders for motivating a young child to attend church and be quick about getting dressed on a Sunday morning. We teachers know this, and we use rewards all the time. Your child gets stickers for math drills, ribbons for field days, and certificates for perfect attendance. This is the child culture, so how can we possibly expect kids to naturally desire to sit in church for two hours without a carrot of some sort? Using rewards for good behaviors also affects bad behaviors. A trip straight home and an immediate, non-negotiable Sunday nap do a lot to keep a three-year-old in line once he realizes that bad behavior means no McDonald’s or Shipley’s Donuts after church. You can even set your child up for church success by practicing pretty long quiet play times and whispering skills at home. Blatant disobedience and flat-out refusal to show appropriate respect during the Divine Liturgy should result in swift and effective correction. The most important job you have as a parent is to instill in your child a fear and respect for God and His house. This is especially important during the Creed, the Lord’s Prayer, and while receiving the Eucharist.
- One day you wake up and notice that you can have a meaningful conversation with your child. Kids this age (let’s say somewhere between 10-14 years old) are still not really capable of making the right, hard decisions for themselves. Having meaningful conversations and actually engaging your child about making a real decision about being a Christian, and how to have a real relationship with Christ is so very important. Remember, your child goes to school and spends all day listening to the church or non-church experiences of their peers. Frank, and open communication is the only way you can help your child navigate these influences. With regard to time, if you are not spending quality time with your kid, you probably won’t be very successful if you’ve waited until now to try to get him to church. The world is winning the battle for your child’s heart and mind already. Keep Sunday holy, and this will help you set a good example for your pre-teen kid. Prepare yourself to be a good apologist. You should not be losing arguments with your teen when it comes to Orthodox theology.
- Finally, don’t take hostages, but let there be consequences for poor choices. Speaking from experience, I recommend giving your teen freedom to decide whether or not to attend church or serve behind the altar, but make choosing to sleep in instead of going to church the most important choice for the day. We told our three kids, “Hey, we’re headed to church,” only to watch them roll over with a groaning “uh-huh”. They all knew that failure to appear before the Eucharist meant that this particular teen would not be driving around town all day or hanging out with friends in the evening. Church attendance meant that the rest of the Sunday could be an enjoyable friend-fest. Sleeping through church was an instant wing-clipping that required them to remain at home for the rest of the day. This was the rule, even when the “important Sunday activity” was school-related or a “required” sport practice. Bottom line: Church wins. Always.
- Doing these things is not being a jerk to your kid, nor is it nagging or being a mean mommy. What you are doing is showing your child that church and God matter more than his fleshly desires or passions. Someday, when he is old, he will understand these things. Understand that you are teaching your child to have “eternal eyes”.
It is my desire to provide some practical advice for parents who are struggling to actively engage their children into the church culture. Please feel free to contact me with comments/questions.
BE STRONG and TAKE BACK SUNDAY!